One might think I wouldn’t be the best fit for a vegetarian co-op in Cambridge, Mass. And normally, you’d be right; I wouldn’t be able to overcome my burning hatred of hippies or my love of meat. A love so profound, soon after my 9-month flirtation with vegetarianism in high school, I developed the ability to look at a live cow or chicken and think “yum.”

 

But of course, the extreme profligacy of the meat industry is well-documented, and there are few things quite as sad as sitting on the Chinatown bus, biting through the breaded skin of a fried chicken leg from Roy Rogers, and having a pocket of grease drip onto your lap. An undignified end to an undignified life.

 

Even beyond that, us carnivores would benefit greatly from having to think a little more creatively. So with that in mind, I’ll be bringing you dispatches from my co-op’s regular meat-free meals, and maybe share a recipe or two from our decade-old secret recipe book.

 

But first… here’s something from Martha Stewart:

 

This is a modified version of a recipe I saw on her show when the Pats won the Super Bowl (oh, by the way, fuck you, New Yorkers). People will swear it has meat in it, and don’t get smart and try adding some–I tried that once and it doesn’t make two shits difference. I think she called it Firehouse Chili. I call it…

 

Martha Stewart’s Jailhouse Chili

 

5 cloves garlic, minced

1 large onion, chopped

1 large carrot, chopped

1 large bell pepper, chopped

1 habanero pepper, minced (see note about heat below)

1 can pinto beans, drained

1 can black beans, drained

1 can kidney beans, drained

1 large can of diced tomatoes

1 small can of tomato paste

1 lb dried lentils

1/3 cup of chili powder (the size of a regular spice jar)

1 tablespoon cumin

7 cups of water

olive oil

salt, to taste

 

In a large heavy soup pot, sauté the garlic and onion in the olive oil at high heat. Add carrot, bell pepper, and habanero pepper. When the vegetables become soft, bring heat down to medium and add the rest of the ingredients except salt and stir. When the chili starts to boil, bring heat down to a simmer. Let the chili simmer for at least an hour (more is better), stirring occasionally and adding water if necessary. Add salt and stir and get ready to fart like a beast.

 

Notes:

 

1. The heat is easy to modify depending on what you use from the habanero pepper. The hottest part of the habanero is the seeds, followed by the white inner “ribs”, and then the colored flesh. I usually use all of the colored part and about half of the ribs, unless I know all my patrons will appreciate serious spiciness.

2. Like most soup dishes, the secret is to go a little overkill on the salt.

3. Although this will probably fuck up your pot, it’s not a disaster if you happen to burn the bottom of the chili. It ends up giving it a nice smoky flavor.

4. This chili keeps super well, and tastes even better on subsequent days.